Hao_Hao's forth week in Taiwan (5/16- 5/23) -From Hao-Hao

Hey, I started to like this place. Even it is hot and humid, I don't see Daddy all the time and I don't sleep well, I got plenty of time to stay with Mommy. Like today, Mommy and I took the train to Taipei visit my cousins. Mommy sang to me and played with me when I was bored in the train and allowed me to climb up and down while no one was looking. I had so much fun today!!!

PS By the way, the first picture was taken in the restroom of the train.

七個月的昊昊 這個月的我

我們回台灣算算時間也已經一個月了

在這個月中 我的心情起起伏伏

有著調整生活作習的辛苦

有著擔心媽媽健康的不安

有著害怕接不到簽證的恐懼

有著睡眠不足的疲憊

有著一個人照顧昊昊的慌亂

也有著思念Tommy的寂寞

更有著珍惜與家人好友相聚的熱情

這樣的忙碌與複雜的情緒 不斷不斷從我的音調中 我的表情上 我心不在焉的擁抱裡 讓昊昊無時無刻的感受的到

那麼龐大而不能表達的能量 或許就是昊昊適應困難的主要原因吧...

在一直尋找昊昊哭鬧的源頭的我

竟然忘記了自己對於昊昊的影響力

原來真正需要安靜(calm down)的人 其實是媽媽自己....


................


在回台灣前我對昊昊的一點一滴都小心翼翼

隨身都戴著殺菌的消毒紙巾

在睡覺前也都會看好久的書

說昊昊是照書養真是一點也沒錯


但這個月因為自己的心力交悴 只好把昊昊當豬養

馬馬虎虎的 隨隨便便的

昊昊竟然進步得更多

七個月的他在身體發展上已經可以隨心所欲的爬行 藉著任何一件物品都可以站起來

在小肌肉的發展上 也可以Self-feed沒有困難

在認知與社會發展上 可以把人名與形象連接 在吵雜的環境中聽到熟悉的講話聲便會立刻尋找聲音的來源

在語言發展上創立了昊昊語系來表達意見 只有在最傷心時才會叫媽媽

在玩具的操作上也更靈巧 只要示範過幾次他便會打鼓 拍手 利用學步車走動


昊昊在不知不覺中成長

我卻在這個月戴著混亂的心情看著他進步

而Tommy也只能在遙遠的遠方想念著他....

Hao-Hao's third week in Taiwan - From 5/6 to 5/13 (From Hao-Hao)

Crawling Master

Hao-Hao practiced and mastered the skill of crawling this month (his 7th month).

I thought since he could better manage his body and be mobile whenever he can, he wouldn't need me much. I was wrong!! Hao-Hao is more needy than before. He cries immediately when he sees me out of his sight... But, he is a curious explorer. He likes to touch and grab different things. I feel he is like a little monkey full of energy.

Hao-Hao's third week in Taiwan -5/6 to 5/13 (From hao-Hao)

Mother's Day!!
This is my first time to celebrate Mother's day with mommy.
To be honest with you, I don't really understand what "Mother's Day" means.
And I don't know much about love and gratitude.
But, I know Mommy is the first person I want to see when I wake up.
When I am sick or tired, Mommy's hug can make me feel better right away.
I also favor Mommy's kisses than all of my toys.
I hope I will not grow up fast so I can sit in Mommy's arms all the time.
(By the way, Daddy, thank you for sending the flowers for me...)

兩朵紅花

還記得小時候,每年母親節,媽媽都會要求我們在襟上別上一朵康乃馨

加上我們家人特有的大聲音量 每每外出時,總是有人指指點點 我心理總覺得不甘願又覺得土

真是一點也不了解母親節的特別意義

而今年是我自己第一次過母親節 一早起床,我便興致沖沖的幫昊昊和自己別上紅色康乃馨

心理驕傲的想著,自己和昊昊真幸福 擁有媽媽愛的我們,就像擁有全世界最了不起的寶藏

希望媽媽身體健康

也希望我能夠永遠呵護我的小昊昊

能夠戴上紅色康乃馨的母親節 是我們最大最大的幸運...

Hao-Hao's second week in Taiwan 4/28-5/5 (from hao-Hao)

Mommy carries me everywhere

Even I miss daddy much, I love having Mommy's full love and attention. Mommy carries me everywhere...

Moto ride

I love going out with Mommy and the motorcycle. I like the way wind touches my face. To better protect me, Mommy forces me wearing the hamlet all the time. I must ask Daddy to buy me one when we back to NY.

Hao's second week in Taiwan - 4/28-5/5 (from Hao-Hao)

My favorite food

Mommy and grandparents love the food called "hot pot". They put everything in hot soup and eat them with sauce. I like it, too. Mommy said that I eat pretty like the way Daddy eats. Yummy.... I don't need my milk anymore....

Auntie and me

I enjoy so much playing with my auntie. She is not like mommy that serious as times. She always plays and sings to me. I think she is my best friend now. I wish I can see her everyday and live with me. I love my only but best auntie!!!

First time seeing my grand-grandpa

Mommy has been telling so much about my grand-grandpa. I feel like knowing him before I actually met him. Mommy said my grand-grandpa is such a kind and genuine person. I wasn't afraid of him even he looked old and weak. I like the way he looked at me. I am sure he will love me just like he way he always loves my mommy....

My rough week -week 1 (from Hao-Hao)...

1.

1.

1.

Taking the flight wasn't fun at all...

Mommy took me to a very strange place tonight.
It was a huge place and all the people there walked with their huge boxes...
I was so tired and I didn't understand how come Mommy took me there at midnight because she always said sleep early is the best for me.
Daddy looked weird, too. He couldn't stop hugging me and kissing me. He asked me to miss him when I couldn't see him but I love to see him and play with him everyday. I started feeling sad.... I didn't understand how come Daddy wasn't coming with us...

We were in a closed place with lots of noise. I was so sleepy but I didn't see my bed there. The lady said that I was too big for the crib they have so they asked me to sleep on the floor. Mommy was very angry at the lady so I decided to go to sleep right away so Mommy could feel better. I swear I did try mt best but I couldn't fall asleep. My ears hurt and my nose was so dry. I started crying because of the pain. Mommy looked so worried but she couldn't help me. I felt like going home...

We stayed forever in that closed place. I really hated it. I felt so bored and Mommy said I shouldn't make noise because I might annoy other people. But,there was not much for me to do. After a while I was tired and upset so I started creaming.. I couldn't stop myself even though I know Mommy would not be happy...

I knew Mommy was tired but I couldn't control myself. I was screaming and crying for a long time so Mommy had to carry me walking back and forth. I felt bad for Mommy but I felt even worse for myself....

Finally we were allowed to leave that scary place but I was already exhausted. This was the most terrifying experience I have ever have. If I have the choice, I will never ever take the flight again...

2. What's going on here???

Mommy said that we came the long way to visit my grandparents and they really missed me very much. I didn't remember them and I was a little bit afraid. They seemed very nice but I liked my Mommy and Daddy better. I wanted going back home to stay with Daddy but Mommy said we had to stay with grandparents for a month. I don't like it but I decided to behave.

We were very busy everyday. Mommy took me to visit a lot of people. They were curious about me so they either squeezed my face or kissed me hard. I felt tired and can't stop thinking about the time being with Daddy... I also didn't understand how come it was still daytime when I was ready for bed. I have to say I really stressed Mommy out. I woke up 3 to 4 times a night and needed Mommy to hold me to sleep. I felt bad for mommy but I did have a lot of bad dreams....

I didn't have too much fun in Taiwan in the past week. And we still have 5 weeks to go. I am worried but I know Mommy will be with me and she will take care of me..

Play Time!!!

Play time 1: Since Hao-Hao sat up comfortable, he enjoyed playing even more. While playing the little piano, he can 'sing along' with the music. Maybe he will be the future American Idol : ).... (That's mommy's daydream....)

Play time 2: One of Hao-Hao's favorite toys is the cell phone. Maybe he sees mommy on the phone all the time or he likes size of the keypad. The way he holds the phone is like he can actual use it.

Play time 3: Hao-Hao loves all kinds of balls. He also loves to taste them. Yummy, yummy, yummy....

減肥大大大作戰-2

其實我對懷孕期間增加的重量沒有太多的感覺
因為我好心善良的同事朋友從來沒有批評我的外表
就算是懷孕後期胖到無可救藥
大家都還是說我看起來氣色好得不得了 (glowing)
雖然明知是安慰我的話 我卻還是信以為真

真的到了我作完月子昊昊滿月的那天
正想換上漂亮的針織毛衣 長褲和大家照相時 我才發現原來我以前的衣服居然那麼緊那麼小
我一件也穿不下
站在鏡子前面的我有點失落 但我卻試著安慰自己說沒關係 我已經是媽媽了嘛!! 胖一點力氣才大呀!!
過了幾個禮拜 有一天我到法拉盛超市排隊買雞腿
因為疲倦所以有些心不在焉
當那個肉販用著不耐煩的語調問我說 "喂!這位大姐! 妳要買什麼??"
我真的嚇了一跳
看著自己因為睡眠不足 擋也擋不住的黑眼圈和眼袋
好久沒有保養的頭髮和指甲 鬆垮的肚皮大腿 再加一件過時的寬鬆外套
也難怪會被人稱為大姊了
我很無奈也很難過.... 終於了解自己是真的不一樣了...
就在那一刻 我告訴自己一定一定要再瘦回來 一定一定要再美回來
不管有多麼困難我一定要作到!!

其實在作完月子後我的體重已經掉了20多磅
但剩下的全都是貨真價實的肥肉 一圈一圈固執的纏在我身上
因為當時我還在餵母奶 所以不能節食
只能靠著不吃甜食和運動來消耗卡路里
為了激勵自己我還特地去租了好多康熙來了
希望藉由小S苗條美麗的身材激起最大的鬥志

真的真的不想繼續胖下去
我有超過20件迷人的cashmere毛衣
還有一整個夏天也穿不完的美麗裙子
如果我一直都像彌勒佛 這些衣服不是好可憐好孤單....

可是這次的減肥作戰似乎比以前難的太多太多
不論怎麼努力好像體重就是掉不下來
不知道是不是因為生過孩子
總覺得整個骨架都變寬了 屁股也更大了
虎背雄腰的真可以到碼頭當捆工

我把結婚前買的健身DVD全找了出來
規定自己一個禮拜至少要作4次運動
有氧舞蹈 拳擊和重量訓練 希望能藉由這些運動把鬆垮的肥肉緊實回來

當昊昊滿了四個月 因為我的奶量太少
我便決定不再餵奶
從那時起我便開始節食
我的節食法其實很簡單 只不過在中餐和晚餐不吃任何澱粉質食物
烤雞肉 白煮蛋和水煮青菜是我最常吃的午餐
而晚餐我會喝一杯脫脂鮮奶配蘋果或香蕉
到了weekend我會休息一下　但整天的卡路里也不會超過1300卡

是真的好辛苦的
有好多次我都想放棄
心想算了吧　就算胖一點又如何　頂多穿穿6或8號的衣服嘛
反正滿街都有比我胖的人
不美又如何 反正也都30多歲了
可是真的不甘心　也還是有點虛榮心
就這樣一天撐過一天 一天熬過一天
在昊昊滿6個月時 我是真的瘦下來了
整整50磅的體重真的被我丟掉了
當我穿上最愛的Lucky Brand 4號牛仔褲站在鏡子前　真想大聲尖叫　我是真的作到了...

好開心好驕傲
雖然在我瘦下來後昊昊並不覺得媽媽有什麼不同
tommy 也不會因此更愛我
又雖然很可能下次懷孕時我又會胖回來
但是
我還是完成了這個不可能的任務!!!

給我拍拍手吧 我的好朋友!!!

減肥大大大作戰-1

(這兩張照片是昊昊出生前兩個禮拜照的)

從來都是屬於易胖的體質
雖然不至於連喝水都會胖
因為實在無法拒絕麵包 巧克力 和甜食
總得小心翼翼才能維持均勻的體態

一旦懷孕之後
心中對於體重 三圍的戒慎恐懼馬上就消失得無影無終
我對自己說 真是太棒了
這輩子唯一再怎麼吃也不會有人多說一句的美好日子終於來臨了
我要盡情的享受 開懷的吃
至於體重的問題就等到寶寶出生後再來操心吧!

其實懷孕的前三個月 我是不太舒服的
雖然不至於會嘔吐恶心 每餐飯後總有頭暈的感覺
但食物的魅力實在是太大了
我還是一直不停的想要吃
從一早起床我就開始計劃當天的菜單
通常我的菜單分為兩個部份
第一個部份是應該要吃的食物 也就是為昊昊所吃的營養食物
我很擔心昊昊的發育和健康 所以我每天會吃下很多對昊昊有益的東西
通常我會喝一大杯的有機牛奶或豆漿 再加一份雞蛋起司全麥三明治作為早餐
中餐我喜歡吃沙拉 我會用新鮮菠菜 小蕃茄 紫色洋蔥 水煮蛋 酪梨 玉米粒 和南瓜子 加上橄欖油和紅酒醋作調味
下午餓了我會吃兩種新鮮水果和優格作點心
晚餐我會吃雞肉 豆腐 兩種當季蔬菜和有機糙米飯...
聽完我的菜單妳一定會覺得我是個標準健康的孕婦吧
可是以上的食物只是菜單的第一部份
而第二個部份是我自己想吃的食物....

我上班的地點是在法拉盛中心 每隔幾步路就有麵包蛋糕店
我常常趁著工作的空檔 偷溜到不同的麵包店尋找新鮮出爐的麵包
因為覺得不好意思 我總是把麵包藏在袋子裡 偷偷地躲在辦公裡吃
再加上從家裡帶來的巧克力 餅乾和果仁
我每天都像辦生日派對般的慰勞自己
真是太愉快了
波羅麵包 奶酥麵包 牛角麵包 還有我最愛的巧克力蛋糕都是我的好朋友 而且天天都要見見面

當懷孕進入了第五個月 我的胃口更好了
因為體溫偏高 所以我發狂的愛上了香甜的珍珠奶茶
那是我在懷孕前為了怕胖 一個夏天也喝不到一杯的大禁忌
而在懷孕第五個月
我卻像在作美食鑑定團般的喝遍了整個法拉盛的珍珠奶茶店
好喝好喝真好喝
我每天都要到店裡報到 比上班還準時
有時候心血來潮 我還可以咕嚕咕嚕灌下兩杯
結果光是那個月我就胖了15磅
了不起吧! 我想日本的相撲選手應該來拜我為師 因為我能在短短時間內迅速增加體重
連我的婦產科醫生在作當月例行檢查時都忍不住大聲尖叫 差點沒把我罵到臭頭 唉......

像這樣子的狂飲暴食一直持續到懷孕的最後
我胖到連自己的腳趾頭都看不到
臉也腫的像是Halloween的大南瓜
再加上圓滾滾的大肚子
連Tommy也忍不住的說我像極了佛殿裡的彌勒佛
Guess what, 到生昊昊當天我一共重了50磅

Hao-Hao loves 乖乖!!!

There is something Hao-Hao doesn't feel bored doing is to "play" with our two doggies. The way Hao-Hao plays with them is to pull their hair or squeeze them. No wonder the doggies are so afraid of Hao-Hao.

Sometimes when I have to do something or want to make sure Hao-Hao won't cry looking for me, I will put the doggies in Hao-Hao's crib so Hao-Hao can be busy for a while. I really feel bad for the doggies!!! Look at 乖乖, he is shaking out there!!

(Maybe the doggies know Hao is the prince in the house so they were never aggressive to him!!)

Stand up!!!

3/20/07

From the 4th month, Hao-Hao loved standing up!!!

At that time, he couldn't even sit but whenever we held his hands, he managed to stand up!!

In this picture, Hao-Hao was standing inside the laundry basket. Since mommy was too tired to hold him, he decided to go in the basket himself. Look at his face, he was showing off and saying "Hey! Hey! Hey! I am the little superman!!!"

昊昊的哭聲,媽媽的錯誤!!!

昊昊一向都可以自己一個人玩
不管是在他的小床上看旋轉音樂鈴
或是坐在他的bouncer上摸摸他的玩具小馬
他總可以自得其樂個好一會
我也都可以趁便洗洗碗或是上上網
雖然時間不長但也足夠我完成一些瑣碎的工作
但是好像從兩個禮拜前 昊昊開始拒絕獨處
他要我一直一直陪在他旁邊
更明確的說應該是他一定要碰著我或是靠著我 最好就像一隻小袋鼠能夠住在我身上
要不然他便發狠的大哭
他的哭聲非常尖銳帶著一種絕不妥協的堅持
那種幾乎是要把肝肺的哭碎的狠勁讓我常常覺得無可耐何
有時候我去洗手間不到兩分鐘他便開始哭
更有一次我吃中飯所以把他放在緊臨著我的小椅子上
因為不能直接看到我的臉或是觸碰到我的身體 他便不願意
平常時候還好 但是當我要趕著出門或是一定要完成某件事時 真的是覺得生氣
覺得昊昊真自私真不體貼 明明看著媽媽在忙 卻還要媽媽抱 而且還要馬上抱 一秒鐘也沒有耐心等 我好氣他 覺得昊昊故意跟我作對 還用可怕的的哭聲來威脅我 要我就範
我心中充滿了委屈 更以為昊昊已用哭聲控制了我
所以每當昊昊大哭時我常提高了嗓子跟他說話 就算是真的要抱他 心裡也是不情不願
最近這個禮拜更是離譜 原本可以睡過夜的昊昊 常常在半夜一兩點扯破喉嚨大哭 他既不餓且不渴只是想要爸爸媽媽抱抱 我們常常被他尖銳的哭聲嚇壞了 最不喜歡睡眠被打擾的我 自然心中對昊昊有好多埋怨
昨天昊昊爸爸從公司打電話回來問我們好不好 我開始又忍不住抱怨昊昊的難纏 沒想到昊昊爸爸居然說昊昊好可憐 我一聽更有氣 心想我才可憐吧!! 被昊昊限制自由的我 甚至連上個廁所都得提心吊膽的 昊昊哪裡可憐 簡直就是莫名其妙
昊昊爸爸卻說白天黏人和半夜大哭的昊昊其實什麼都不要 他只希望在爸爸媽媽身旁
因為爸爸對昊昊的理解 爸爸才覺得昊昊可憐
也因為這樣的理解 爸爸才願意犧牲他的睡眠來體貼他的昊昊
爸爸並沒有把照顧昊昊當成是種壓力 也無意改變昊昊 他只是自自然然的接受昊昊的改變
而我老是在意自己失去的自由與睡眠 更生氣昊昊用哭聲控制我
卻忘記了昊昊哭聲代表的重要意義
是的 現在的昊昊在認知發展上已經了解他和媽媽其實是個兩個獨立的個體 (而非我即是你)
但他卻沒有過去記憶與期待未來的概念
他可以預見的只有眼前這一刻
當媽媽離開房間時 他不知道媽媽什麼時候回來 或者會不會回來
只有著急得大哭
這種對於周遭環境有著全新體認的昊昊 心中想必充滿著害怕失去媽媽的恐懼感 也只能用他的行動強烈表達他的害怕
我不但不能了解昊昊的心事 反而以為他是故意搗蛋任性
想通了這點 心裡對昊昊有著沉重的抱歉 也對自己感到失望....
希望以後別再犯這樣的錯 也要對昊昊更有耐心...
真的 我對自己承諾!!!

The present!!

Since HaoHao was "made" on Christmas day, I always joked saying that he was the best present I have ever had.
My life and my perspective of the world totally changed because of my present. Seeing my little present growing everyday make me content and complete. I know that I will be back to work in July so I even more cherish the time I spend with my little present. Every moment "here and now" (the present) is the present!!!

爸爸&昊昊

原先Tommy跟我都一直想生個女兒
在還沒有懷孕時
我們常常在路上或超市裡 對著別人的小女孩傻笑
Tommy更是幻想著有個小小安琪兒能賴在他身上跟他撒嬌賴皮
當我們知道肚子裡的寶寶是男生
他還真是失望難過了好一陣子...

但隨著昊昊一天一天的成長
Tommy跟昊昊的互動也越來越親蜜
昊昊也更愛爸爸
只要是爸爸在家時 昊昊最愛的 就是像一隻無尾熊般的黏在爸爸身上
好溫暖好滿足
爸爸就像是昊昊的尤加利樹 給昊昊最安全的保護

Tommy從不是個細心敏感的人
記性差得連金魚都不敢相信
(據了解 金魚只有一分鐘的記憶...)
可是Tommy卻總能查覺昊昊最細微的進步
嗯 今天昊昊可以把玩具從左手傳到右手
哇 昊昊居然又發出了更多不同的音...
在爸爸的眼中 昊昊是個最佳男主角!!!

爸爸愛昊昊是沒有condition的
再怎麼忙 再怎麼累 晚上昊昊一哭爸爸動作永遠比我快 著急的到昊昊房裡 確定昊昊沒事
我反而因為爸爸的小心而跟他有所爭執
爸爸選擇犧牲他僅有的睡眠來看護他的小昊昊
這樣的愛昊昊一定知道!!

以往每每有人愛評論昊昊長的像誰
只要聽到有人說昊昊像爸爸
就算只有頭髮耳朵像
Tommy往往會露出一種滿足到不行的微笑
好驕傲好得意
這種成就感比中了Lotto還值得炫耀!!
真的 真的 有了昊昊 已經足夠
爸爸根本不記得當初他只想要個小女兒....

昊昊愛爸爸 爸爸更愛昊昊

他們的關係好像剛出爐的甜甜圈

美好的連我都會妒忌...

Hide-and-Seek...

Hide-and-Seek has become one of HaoHao's favorite games.

Whenever Tommy and I cover ourselves with the cloth, HaoHao immediately takes the cloth off and gives us a big smile. He also likes us to put a cloth on him. Maybe he enjoys the feelings to be found as well. Anyway, when I felt proud about HaoHao's cognitive accomplishment on object performance (the understanding that an object still exists even though it is not directly visible), Tommy teased me and said that the only reason HaoHao took the cloth off was because he liked to grab which has no other meaning beyond it.... : (

What's your experience?

OH.... No....

("Oh,No!!!" was my first impression of the day care center I visited yesterday.
It was a tiny place (no big than my living room) on the first floor in a private house.
The place was divided into two classrooms. One is for older kids and the other room is for babies around Hao-Hao's age. There were 12 of them in that tiny place.
I was shocked when seeing babies playing on the plastic mat which has finger prints and dirt on it. All the toys they play with were three little sorry cars. The teacher told me that it is safe for Hao-Hao to be there since the place is small so he has no place to run...
I was wondering if the day care center is what I am looking for or I should still hire a nanny to help me out?? What will be the best for Hao-Hao??? I am still searching for the right answer....)

"Oh, NO!!!" 是我對昨天參觀的托兒所的第一印象
它在一個Private House的一樓
差不多是跟我家客廳一般大小的空間裡
用木板隔了兩個房間, 再加上小小的廁所和廚房
居然可以容納下12個從幾個月大到3歲的小小孩

托兒所的負責人標榜著擁有10年以上的教育經驗
兩位老師更是充滿愛心和耐心
而孩子們的爸媽更多是住在長島,有著高薪工作的知識份子

我先是看著那幾個2-3歲的孩子 幾乎是手肘碰手肘的擠在一起　圍坐在一張小桌子旁
老師發了一人一隻色筆 要求他們在coloring paper上塗顏色
有的小朋友被老師罵　因為他把顏色塗出去框框外頭
也有的小朋友因為在畫別的動物而被老師沒收了畫筆
我的心中充滿了震驚和疑問
難道這就是the best place I can find for Hao-Hao??



接下來我們進入了另一個小房間
地上鋪的軟墊上佈滿了手印和油污
3個和昊昊差不多大的baby在地上爬來爬去 臉上還流著鼻涕和口水
他們面前的玩具只是幾部年代久遠的小汽車
老師還強調因為空間小　孩子才不會亂跑　所以很安全　要我可以放心...
當時我真想大聲尖叫...
也對昊昊充滿了愧疚... 　難道這就是the best I can offer for Hao-Hao??

昨天一整天我的心理都好難受...
也一直在想究竟該怎麼辦
七月就該上班的我 該如何安排昊昊...
我又有哪些options呢???

之前一直都希望為昊昊和自己找個可靠的褓母兼管家
要她到我家來 依照我訂的活動與時間表做事
因為我要全職的工作　所以也想要求她幫我做家事　洗衣,煮飯,擦地板...　最好等我和Tommy到家時,　桌上已放滿熱騰騰的飯菜,晚餐後我們更能好好陪昊昊玩,不用擔心洗碗的問題
我會要求褓母住在我家 那麼她就沒有理由遲到或請假
到了週末她放假回家　我們也能夠擁有自己的隱私權...
我的如意算盤打的好好的 也跟之前幫我作月子的褓母約定好6月底就回來上班　甚至連價錢都談好了
所以當身邊好友都在煩惱褓母的問題時,我還十分慶幸,心想,好險我已經作好了安排,一點也不用擔心！！
只可惜　人算不如天算 那個褓母因為私人的理由,已經確定不可能來幫忙我了.....

在一切都歸零的情況下 我開始思考究竟該怎麼辦....　什麼會對昊昊最好呢??
如果昊昊會說話,他又會有什麼意見呢.....

　

Haircut....

Very unlike me, Hao-Hao was born with lots of hair.

He almost looked like a girl with his long hair. I needed to fix his hair with a clip at times... : )

I didn't feel like taking him to the salon so I decided to cut his hair myself.

Was not that difficult since I have years of experience... Experience of being the doggies' groomer..... Look at him!! Cute and stylish!! I think I did a pretty good job!! What do you think??

Rosebush....

謝謝Tommy 的幫忙
上個禮拜我才能參加Child-Centered Play Therapy with Adolescents的課程
雖然只有兩天
但我卻整整興奮了一個月
好開心,好開心,
我像一隻剛從籠子掙脫的小鳥,
擁有一種重獲自由的得意!!!

這次的課程有一個部份是講Expressive Art Therapy
簡單的說是結合藝術治療與投射的原則
來了解Client 現在的內心狀況
因為希望我們能親身體會
所以我們也有機會經驗這個名叫Rosebush的有趣練習.

在幾分鐘的放鬆音樂中,
我們被要求閉上眼睛,
想像著自己變成Rosebush(玫瑰花叢),
是怎麼樣的Roshbush...
有沒有糾結的枝幹...
有沒有尖銳突起的刺..
可開著繽紛的花朵?
或是正在等待愛花人的青睞?
而這個Rosebush是在那裡存在? 是在城市? 花圃? 大海的中央? 或是在荒涼的沙漠?
她是寂寞的哭泣, 或是心急的展現她極端的美麗??
.....

幾乎是沒有遲疑的
我便完成 變成Rosebush的自己..
是的,
站在嚴寒冬夜裡落單的Rosebush,
是有些孤單,
雖有著微弱的月光相伴,
只能莫可奈何的等待...
又彷彿她的世界已經漸漸在雪花中消失了...
但是,奇妙的是,
在這個Rosebush的心中
充滿著絕對的力量,
她清楚的知道短時間後便有陽光,
而春天更在角落等候,
因為這樣堅強的信念,
她不擔心現在的落魄,
更不在意掉落的花瓣,
她相信,
不久的未來,
她只有更美麗!!! 因為她是Rosebush!!

很喜歡這個叫做Rosebush的練習,
她幫助我, 為自己在幾個月來, 初為人母的掙扎中
找出新的意義,
也讓我更清楚自己此刻內心的定位!!
重新掌握著的希望,
讓我更珍惜現在的心情與努力!!!

真的不害怕了...
我告訴自己...
我只是棵正在休息的Rosebush...

而妳呢, 心情如何?
又是個什麼樣的Rosebush??

昊昊,你做到了!

從我們決定幫助昊昊自己入睡開始
我的心一直慌慌的
好怕他以為媽媽不愛他
也怕他的哭聲讓我放棄
更害怕愛昊昊的爸爸會心碎...

因為希望昊昊學習self-smooth
我們在他還清醒的時候
就把他放在他自己的小床上
用最最溫柔的聲音跟他道過晚安,握握他的小手手
再親親他的小臉頰,我們便離開他的房間
前面兩天
當我們一關上房門就聽見他放聲大哭
記得書上及朋友的建議
我們該去做點別的事等到15分鐘後再來看他
但是腳底彷彿生了根,站在他門外不能動彈
我跟Tommy只好緊緊擁抱
似乎只有靠著對方,才有堅持的勇氣
但不受控制的,眼淚還是簌簌的流下來

前面幾天,昊昊總要哭上20-30分鐘才能睡著
但是一個禮拜後
他漸漸適應了睡眠的routine
幾分鐘之內便能自己入睡
就算是不小心醒來
也可以再睡著
我所擔心的童年陰影的問題似乎也不存在
因為他的睡眠品質提高了
每天早上總是好開心的醒來
而我因為能夠充分的休息
在白天與他的互動中也能夠更全心全意
我最大的煩惱總算是解決了!!

I am very proud of Hao-Hao!!
希望他能記得他生命中第一個課題
"能夠Self-smooth是高EQ最重要的基礎"...

在他成長的路上會有更多的關卡
我不能為他免除growing pain
但是我會牽著他的手
一步一步的陪他往前走!!

Struggles2 (掙扎2)

12/20/2006
經過了一個月的掙扎與疲累
我終於漸漸明白
除非我有新的intervention
要不然昊昊的情形是不會有任何轉變的
因為從他出生起,到了睡覺時間總是有褓母搖著入睡
第二月後,婆婆也愛陪著他一起睡午覺
而媽媽自己更是養成了讓他愛吸奶嘴的壞習慣
日然而然,他也就習慣要藉由外力才能入睡.

這樣的領悟不但沒有令我放鬆,我反而更加緊張
似乎訓練他獨立入睡才能解決所有的問題
一想到他可能會經驗的孤獨與害怕
我的胃就開始抽緊
....
一天晚上我作了個惡夢
在夢中我失去了一件非常珍貴的東西
那種絕望
令我幾乎窒息
我不記得失去的是什麼
但第二天卻在深深的沮喪中渡過
多年的clinical training喚醒了我的awareness
我開始努力尋求恐懼感的源頭
....
記得我兩或三歲時
媽媽也訓練我自己睡覺
她說我已是大孩子了,不該再黏著爸媽
我坐在漆黑的房間裡
心裡想著媽媽已經不愛我了,要不然怎麼不跟我睡

我走到他們的門前卻發現門已鎖上
這更加深了我的害怕
我坐在漆黑的走廊上,哀哀痛哭
我不了解為什麼自己一個人睡會對我好...

在當時失去媽媽擁抱的我,就像失去了全世界...
....
因為自己的童年經驗,讓我對昊昊可能會有的感受特別小心
我把自己的擔心和猶疑告訴了幾個好朋友
在她們的提醒下,我真正明白
其實我早在不知不覺中
把自己的恐懼投射在昊昊身上
因為這樣沉重的陰影
讓昊昊失去了原本可以自我進步的機會
也因為我潛意識的失落
讓我選擇了和昊昊同眠

和Tommy討論後,我們決定當昊昊滿3個月時
我們便幫助他學習自己入睡

Struggles1 (掙扎1)

我媽媽是11月底回台灣的
從那時起我只好靠自己
心情一直都是慌亂的
昊昊也很不合作,一到了快到睡覺的時間,他便瘋狂的大哭
有時好不容易把他哄睡著
不到30分鐘,他又尖叫的醒來
在半夜聽到他可怕的哭聲
我幾乎都以為有什麼妖魔鬼怪在他的房裡
….排除了所有的可能性,也真的想不到任何解決方法
最後我只好讓昊昊跟我們一起睡
從哄他入睡,到他真正睡著,我再去洗澡擠奶,通常等我上床時,他也快醒了
我總得小心翼翼不敢發出任何聲音
但是他越來越離譜
到後來居然要我整晚抱著他,吸著奶嘴才能入睡
只要我稍稍動一下,或是奶嘴滑落了，昊昊都會驚醒
再加上2-3次的餵奶
一個晚上下來
我真正睡著的時間大概只有2個小時
一兩個禮拜下來
我的精神狀況越來越糟
不但白天時情緒緊繃,心情沮喪
也發現自己漸漸失去了初為人母的熱忱與耐心，在面對昊昊時的笑容也越來越少
心中的焦燥
有時令我連話都不想說
只能委屈的哭泣…
我一直問自己，難道沒有解決的方法嗎???
難道日子會永遠這麼辛苦??難道昊昊永遠不會改變??

Thank you mommy!!

10/22/2006

Since the first day of my pregnancy, my mom had been studying the ways to take the best care of me for "the month". She went to the neighbors, friends, family members even the strangers for the resource and information . She stayed in the book store for hours and took notes for special recipes. As a typical Virgo, she likes things to be done perfectly. I was so supervised by the amount of Chinese herbs she prepared for me.

My mommy insisted that I had to fully relaxed during the month. I shouldn't watch TV, read any books, answer the phone and use the computer. The only thing I should do is to stay in bed and do nothing. She yelled at me as soon as I left the bedroom. She didn't like see me holding Hao-Hao because it could hurt my back. She threatened to go back to Taiwan if I didn't beheave. I felt so upset and annonyed by her attitude.

I never saw her taking a break during "the month". She spent hours in the kitchen making the special dishes for me. Knowing that I didn't have enought breast milk, she forced herself to cook the fish soup for me every night (she hated the smell). Because of the stress, she felt very lonely and depressed.

All of my friends were amazed by how fast I recovered and how great I looked after "the month". I couldn't thank her enough for all of her hard effort. In my deepest heart I know that she did everything out of the love for me.

Smile, please!

10/5/2006
The first month having Hao-Hao was beyond difficult.
I was recovering from the physical pain.
I concerned about not having enough breast milk.
I didn't get enough sleep because of the frequent feedings at night.
The most difficult thing was to learn being a "competent" mom.
Having my mom cook for me and nanny care for Hao-Hao. I didn't feel relieved.
I worried about not able to bond with Hao-Hao. I worried about Hao- Hao didn't like me.
When I saw him look comfortably in nanny's arms, I felt so jealous...
I didn't like the way nanny talked and sang to Hao-Hao.
I felt like her taking away my privilege being a mom.
I hated to find out that Hao-Hao's first smile was not for me.
I felt so lost when seeing Hao-Hao stare at me.
I often begged him and said to him "Hao- Hao smile please!!"

The first hug!

9/23/2006
It was so amazing but unrealistic holding Hao- Hao for the first time!!
What I said to him at that moment was
" Hao- Hao, we made it!!! Mommy is so proud of you.
You are such a brave boy.
Don't be sacred!! Don't be afraid!!! Mommy will care for you and love you forever..."

The big day!!

9/23/06
After passing my due day (9/20/2006), I really thought Hao-Hao will be staying in my belly forever. Therefore, when I saw myself spotting, I didn't expect the hospital would take me. However, after the internal exam, I was so shocked to find out that I was already open 4 cm.
...
People asked me how the pain felt like, I would say the pain felt like the truck hit me on the back... : (

My supporters!!

9/20/2006
Along with my dear mom, my uncle from Taiwan and untie from Boston also came to stay with me. They were my drivers, cooks, dog walkers and most importantly cheer leaders!!! They stayed with me and helped me go through the most difficult days in my pregnancy.

My mommy came!!

9/7/2006
My mom arrived last night. She started forcing me to walk and exercise. Having extra 45 pounds on me, I only wanted to sit and relax. I hated to see my heavy body moving like an disable elephant... My due day was in two weeks. I wished my pregnancy to end right away...

Baby shower!!

8/19/2006

Today I got a lot of presents for Hao-Hao. They also came with warm blessings... I was really touched...

Thank to my coworkers and friends. Because of them, I felt so important and special.

Hao-Hao was so lucky to have the world welcome him coming.

WE ARE READY!!!

7/15/2006

Finally the room prepared for Hao-Hao was ready.
I made sure that we have everything for him.
I often sat in the rocking chair and pictured his little face/ little nose/little feet...
All of my day dreams were about him....

Bean-Bean....

7/4/2006

We found this baby bird at Lowes. Seemed to us she was very hungry and very tired. She was hiding behind the plant.

We waited and waited but her mommy didn't come back for her. We then took her home and fed her. Since she was so tiny, we called her Bean-Bean (Doe-Doe). We were hoping that by the time she can fly, she will be able to find her ways home..

However, she didn't live long. In two days, she died. : ( We buried her in our back yard. We were very sad to lose her. We didn't know what went wrong. We were wondering if we fed her the wrong food . We were wondering if her mommy left her behind because she was sick...

I ask myself what I would do if my baby is sick. I am sure all the moms have the same answer...

Guess How Much I Love You?

7/2/2006
"Guess How Much I Love You?" is the very first book I bought for Hao-Hao.
I read to him since I was 6-month pregnant.
I read to him when he was kicking my belly.
I read to him when I was having hard time sleeping.
.
I dreamed and dreamed about the time I can actually hold him and read to him.
I was wondering how much I will love him...

At that time...

5/5/2006

This picture was taken last May....
At that time...
I loved to hug my baby doggies and take them to the park...
I could "sleep through the night"...
I could go to my favorite restaurant on the weekend...
At that time...
I didn't know it takes so much to be a mom...
At that time...
I was pregnant 5-month...